Oh, Hi. This is kind of awkward. I mean, in only a few short hours, I’m going to be a multi-gazillionaire thanks to Mega-Million. I really do hate to rub it in and all, but…it’s kind of hard not too, when you are almost as rich as I am about to be. I think that I should probably start using smarter sounding words and articulating better – Especially, If I’m going to be having brunch with Oprah and our BFF Gayle tomorrow to celebrate my new-found wealth and discuss our favorite books, and such. I guess I’ll be doing a lot more brunches from here on out, and I’ll probably be saying words like “darling” with a British Accent. I should probably get a jump on hiring a man-servant and pool boy too. It’s going to be exhausting finding ways to spend all of that money. Whatever will I buy?
Number One: Pinkberry:
I will first, build myself a state of the art yogurt freezer, with an alarm to protect from thievery. Then, I shall procure all of the Pinkberry recipes ever made. After which, I’ll employ seven male twenty-something body builders, to cultivate said frozen yogurt, and of course, spoon feed it to me on demand. It will be heavenly. (maniacal laugh….maniacal laugh…maniacal laugh….). No seriously, if you don’t live in a state with Pinkberry, I encourage you to put a “For Sale” sign outside of your house immediately and start packin’. It’s to die for. Literally…no. Not really literally.
Number Two: Fancy Hats
Since I’ll be eating brunch in excess, I’ll need plenty of fancy hats to show off my new regal-ness. I figure the tinier the hat the better . I mean, if I’m going to say “pass the pate’”, I’ll need to be wearing an itty-bitty headpiece. It’s the only way I’ll be taken seriously. I’m thinkin’ something like this one available on Etsy via Order & Abandon for $125 bucks. What do you think?
Number Three: Lego Mindstorms Robot:
Even though I’ll be richer, and have men drooling at my feet, I will remain married to my scientist, because I love him, he looks hot in a lab coat, and well, because he can probably build me a robot. I shall name my robot “George Jetson” and will teach him to comb my hair, shave my legs and brush my teeth. On holidays, we will “do the robot” while dancing to classical jazz. Eventually, George will learn how to change the kitty litter box and fold laundry.
Number Four: Socks (from the Sock Club, duh):
“According to our Sock Scientist the average American needs a replacement pair of socks every month.” Ok, then. Since I will be a multi-mazillionare, I will order 30-$9 dollar sock subscriptions so that I get a brand new pair of socks to wear every day for 1 year. I will then hire a seamstress to fashion my used up socks into a freaking enormous sock monkey. I’m a richy-pants. Why wouldn’t I?
Number Five: The “F” Word
Because I’ll be quoting literature incessantly while smoking long cigarettes, I’ll acquire this handy magnetic poetry kit so that when I have company over for dinner parties and soirees, I can appear to be both educated and hip to jive, slang talk.
Of course, this will happen too (wish #1).
Alright, see ya later. I can’t believe I’m winning the lottery tonight. I’m awesome. Happy Friday!