Tag: About Me
Soooooooooooo, this post is probably going to come off as if it’s not even me writing it. In fact, it’s really, REALLY hard for me to consider that when I’m done putting what I’m feeling into words, that I’m going to publish it online for the world to see. Sharing my deep and twisty emotional feelings with others is not my strong suit. Normally, I am silly and weird and sometimes don’t even speak “human”. But believe it or not, underneath the spaz that I may sometimes seem to be, I have a pretty enormous heart and am easily effected when something horrible happens.
And that “something” happened last Friday, to a number of unexpecting souls just going about their lives – some of them doing the greatest job on earth by spending their day teaching and mentoring future contributors to society. Some of them, well, they were probably wiggling in their seats wondering what Santa was going to bring them this year – a puppy? a new baby doll? a talking robot? Their parents shuffled them off to school, probably amid a myriad of other grown-up “tasks” that needed completing before their days began….finish the shopping list, make that doctor’s appoint…oh yeah, call the neighbor and thank them for the homemade holiday cookies. And that was that. It was a normal day…until it wasn’t. That simply, and that swiftly, 26 lives were stolen, and countless hearts broken. I can barely type this without tears.
But this post is not about tears. It is not to relive the horrors of that day. Or a platform to share my stance on Gun Control and mental illness. This post is about grief. And how absolutely beautiful the “moving on” part can be. I’m not saying that anyone should be moving on with this or insinuating it’s time to “let go” as if this horrific tragedy did not take place. I am merely speaking to my experience in grief, and how the process from the devastating loss, to the understanding and finally, acceptance is amazing and empowering and…beautiful.
I lost my dad to esophageal cancer 6 years ago. I realize this is a small comparison to the events that took place last week, but it was a loss – a traumatic one for me on many levels. From seeing terminal cancer “in person” in your parent, to having an actual final “goodbye”, to getting the phone call you thought you were prepared for, and realizing at that very moment that you hadn’t prepared at all – I can’t express the depths of how that loss effected me then, and still to this day, affects me now sometimes. But, what I can attest to is the change in me. The way, that something so horrible brought me something so amazingly wonderful – it opened me up and let me share my real feelings with complete strangers – it, to this day let’s me share the most wonderful parts of my father with anyone who wants to listen. Memories. Thank god for memories. It taught me to forgive, and to let go of guilt, and to move on from those things in life that you can never-ever reverse or go back and change. It made the weak parts of me strong. And, it made the strong and stubborn parts of me wilt. It made me realize just how many wonderfully amazing people I have in my life supporting me and cheering me on – those that are there for me always, and those that are there for me only and exactly when I need just them.
It took a good couple of years (and the constant urging of the awesome man I married) to make me talk, and cry and curl up in a little ball like a child. That release was intoxicatingly sweet. And, SO needed. When I finally knew that I was there – in that place where grief could no longer consume me, I inked a permanent reminder on the inside of my forearm.
“We go on. And it is sad. And it is beautiful.”
I read it every day and think of my Dad, but more importantly, of all of the people who offered a shoulder, listened, and especially for those that understood my need for a really good laugh, like…alot. It is a constant reminder that I was able to “go on” after dealing with something so tragic – but that no part of that “going on” was I alone. And that, in and of itself was 150% beautiful. Grief changes you. And if you let it, it makes you a better person.
Right now, in the face of last week’s tragic events, I’m finding all of these awesome sayings, and stories and images – posts that “restore my faith in humanity” and a whole lot of random acts of kindness. This got me thinking about my tattoo and where those words came from. When my dad died, someone (I so wish I knew who) gave me a card that had a picture of an elephant and these powerful words:
We are all creatures of this earth …
interconnected in ways beyond understanding.
Take the elephants. So big. So Strong. And yet when a member of the herd passes, even they mourn.
They gather around, extend their trunks, and gently touch the tusks of their fallen friend.
It is their ritual. It’s how they heal. And it is sad as well as beautiful.
I’m so happy that today, there are a whole lot of elephants out there supporting these families that have lost so much just a couple of weeks before Christmas. I know that I am just some random girl, in some random town, that has a randomly tiny piece of “real estate” on the Internets. But as a “grief survivor”, I’m extending my trunk as far as it can reach to those affected by the Sandy Hook Shooting. I hope you are too.
(elephant photo via)
It all started a couple of days ago when I noticed a “bruised” feeling in my right heel. Desperate to learn the cause of the stabbing pain, I made a list of what it could be:
- Flesh eating disease?
- Blood clot?
- Brown Recluse bite?
Ew. I mean, there is no possible way that I injured it while exercising or something simple like that. It has to be an incurable lady fungus. Amputation? probably inevitable. If only I had something to ease my mind…
What the Fu..yuck? Did ya ever have one of those moments when a choir of angels came down from the sky singing that “Hallelujah!” song? Yeah, me neither. But it should have happened when I found this book. It’s pretty much the answer to my prayers. And, well…let’s face it – the answer to the prayers of anyone that has ever had to deal with my various “ailments” over the years (parents, husband, siblings, co-workers, friends)
What the Yuck?: The Freaky and Fabulous Truth About Your Body, is a book that I need to have in my possession pronto-saures-rex. I mean, I’m not sure about the “fabulous truth” part, but it carries some much needed “truths” no doubt. Thanks to Dr. Raj (Dr. Roshini Rajapaksa, if you’re feelin’ proper-like) all of your embarrassing lady questions are answered, so that you don’t have to feel like you’re a weirdo because one boob is a millimeter bigger than the other. And so you don’t have to wonder if you’ve caught the birdy-flu after that bird pooped on your head. I mean, I’ve always wondered. Haven’t you?
“All 205 questions come from real women; they cover everyday health concerns and thoroughly modern conundrums, such as H1N1 (Swine Flu), celebrity diets, and mobile phone dangers.”
I’m on it like, asap. Hopefully I get it in time to save my foot. I mean, there’s nothing worse than amputating your own foot in haste. Find yours: here for $14 bucks. Happy healin’!
Hello world! It’s almost crazy that I still know how to type, since I’ve been M.I.A. for 8 thousand years. Sorry for the lapse in posts (and thanks for all the fun emails inquiring as to my whereabouts!). To answer the question inquiring minds are dying to know: I’m not dead.
I did die originally, but when I got to the pearly gates, they turned me away because I was already way to angelic for heaven. So, I flew back down to earth and tried to haunt some people to prove the heavens wrong, but I apparently suck at haunting….soooooo…um….yeah. Here I am. Back to bloggin!
No, seriously. The real reason I’ve been off the grid is because I’ve been workin’ my butt off in my “big kid job” (and also gallivanting around the North East visiting with friends & family) Worse – I’m STILL havin’ some technical diffs with this thing, which (although annoying) has prompted a much-needed overhaul for my little piece of the blog-o-verse. This of course means that I’ll be holding off on fun posts for another week or so, so I can get this baby back on the up and up.
Some things you may notice and other things you may not. But, the goal is to (a) make writing posts easier (and funner..yeah, that’s a word) for me; and (b) super-duper easier (and funner) for Y.O.U to find stuff while yer’ visiting, which of course, will make you never leave my side, ever…never…never, ever. We’ll always be BFF’s. Right?
So, I’ll see ya in a week or so. Until then, have fun laughing at this hysterical pic of my cat. If this doesn’t make you laugh, we’re totally breaking up. Tootles!
My husband’s ringtone for his alarm in the morning is “Eye of the Tiger”. Eye of the freaking tiger. You’d think this would get you all ramped up and ready to go for your day, right? But, no. Oh, no. Not for this girl.
At first (like 3 years ago) it was kinda cool…a nice lil’ motivator for waking up and starting your day with fire! But, now…every time I hear that dumb song, it means I have to open my sleepy eyes & peel myself outta bed. And, by that time the only exercise I want to be a part of involves me, standing in the Karate Kid pose, drop kicking that dumb song across the bedroom (of course all of this happens in slow motion while this song plays in the background…You’re the best, around! Nothin’s ever gonna keep you down).
In all fairness, I can’t totally blame the man for this. As he pointed out with disdain last night before fallin’ asleep, I have SEVERAL alarms that chime in the a.m. Starting at 6:17. Yes, exactly seventeen minutes after six. Why? I really don’t know. But it doesn’t matter for that long, because the next alarm goes off at 6:30, 7:00, 7:15 and 7:45 (just in case I don’t hear the first 5,000 alarms, I suppose). But at least my alarms don’t try to be something they aren’t. They are your old, average run-of-the-mill morning alert signals…no frilly songs, or lyrics, or promptings to be the “eye” of anything. So, there.
This mindless babble does in fact have a point, which goes a lil’ somethin’ like this- when I heard “Eye of the Tiger” this morning and realized I actually had to get out of bed, I was effing P-O’d - Grumpy Missgrumperton, Rudy Mcrudypants, Hater Mchaterson. MAD at the world and that ridiculous ring tone for disrupting my beauty sleep after a very long, and draining yesterday. The “mood” lasted for several minutes until breakfast happened and husby of the year cleaned the ENTIRE kitchen, and then I got happy. But that was WAY short-lived because we already ate all of the bananas and it’s only Wednesday. Why wouldn’t that put me over the edge? My current state of mind is actually pretty darn good and quite frankly, I have no explination for this surge of joy. Are ya pickin’ up what I’m putting down? I’m cerifiable. Oh, speaking of bananas…
CHICKITY – CHECK OUT THIS BANANA MADNESS!
Um, I’m sorry but I can’t stop staring at the picture to the right, wondering how many minutes flat it would take me to eat all seven jars of these “ready to eat cakes” . Banana Chocolate Fudge, Banana Peanut Butter, Banana Salted Caramel…I just fainted.
Ok, I’m back…Banana Toasted Coconut…and don’t forget the cheesecakes (including Banana Gingersnap, Banana Strawberry, Banana Tirimisu)! I passed out again.
Thanks to Bananappeal, we (me and you, and your friends, and my friends, etc) can enjoy “all-natural, ready to eat, banana based” sweet goodness whenever the heck we want.
Syyyyyke. We can’t gorge ourselves on bananas and naughty just yet. According to their Facebook page, they are currently “unavailable” while they handle some “business maintenance”. Not sure what that means, but I’m going to be praying to the cake-in-jar gods that it happens sometime soon, even though they don’t exactly meet my new eatin’ criteria.
In the meantime, feel free to stalk them along with me at their freaking insanely cute website, Facebook & Twitter pages. I’m just gonna call them and hang up repeatedly until someone answers. Hopefully they don’t have caller I.D.
Yey for Banana madness!