Sooo, I just got back from a super-dope visit home to Ro-cha-cha. And, somewhere between dancin’ my pants off at a wedding and visitin’ with the fam, I managed to finish the 2nd book in the Hunger Games series. I SO wish my name was Catnip Evergreen.
Anyway, I would be reading the 3rd book in the series, but since I’m patiently waiting for turtle mc-turtleson to finish it up, I’m movin’ on to bigger and totally sluttier things: Well, hello Fifty Shades of Grey.
I won’t lie. I honestly wasn’t gonna read the series for the pure fact that everyone and their mother is raving about it, but the peer pressure is killing me and I’m a total push-over, so I guess it’s time to get my super-smutty-sex-on.
Oh, yeah. There is a point to this – and here it is - a simple mathematic formula, if you will: Sexy book of 2012 + my lust for finding cool stuff = an awesomely sex-a-licious product I need to blab about. Friends and fellow nymphomaniacs, I present to you some pretty sex-tastical candles:
A Scent of SCANDAL (based in L.A…you know, Cali.) was created by a New Jersey East Coast team (Ari & Heather), who also happen to be ”bro and sis”. This is both awesome and sorta strange considering the theme of the product, but mostly awesome since I can totally see me and one of my bros coming up with these hilariously funny & scandalous candle names.
All of their candles are, vegan/cruelty free made from soy wax (hand poured into their 8 oz. tins, P.S.). They burn for 30-35 hours, which means you can either do the horizontal boogie to the soft glow of candle-light for around 1.5 days straight or you can read a naughty book to the soft glow of candle-light for one whole month (in 1-hour increments if you’re a slow reader, like Turtle Mc-Turtleson).
Here are a couple of my faves:
Somethin’ Earthy: MORNING WOOD for $15 bucks (find it: here)
“An arousing combination of sandalwood and amber.”
Somethin’ Flowery: WALK OF SHAME for $15 bucks (find it: here)
I’m gonna go ahead and say, yes…yes, yes, and YES! Time to buy 5,000 new candles!
Hap-hap-happy Friday! Wow, I haven’t done a list of 5 awesomes in like, a year. Well, today’s list of 5 awesomes is inspired by my belly, which is not only the bane of my existence, but also the driving force for most of my decisions in life…
Hubby: Wanna meet me for drinks after work? Me: Sure, as long as there’s gonna be food there.
Hubby: Wanna work on home improvement projects with me today? Me: Sure, as long as there’s gonna be food there.
Hubby: Wanna get a lil’ frisky in the kitchen? Me: Sure, as long as there’s gonna be food there.
Poor guy. My belly doesn’t discriminate. I mean, it’s not like it only gets excited when I’m at a breakfast, lunch or dinner table. Pretty much every situation you could imagine in life, fuels the “bells”. Which, is precisely why I’m on a stupid diet for the rest of my life and is precisely why today’s list of awesomes is “naughty food candy” for my deprived innards…the kind that I could only eat if I had pica…which, I sorta wish I had right now given the below…ugh.
Breakfast is Served Candle from God Blessed Shop on Etsy for $27 bucks
Um..yes. I’ll have the waffle, smothered in blueberries, syrup and butter, with a side of eggs and an extra order of bacon. Hashbrowns on the side. Don’t screw it up.
Find it: here
Mac and Cheese Noodles with Ramekin – Unscented Candle from KOKOCandles (handmade candles for the non-boring) for $28 bucks
I’m pretty sure I just licked my computer monitor. Yup, I did.
Find it: here
Stop. Just stop looking so much like a real cupcake. I think I might be having heart palpitations. Remember this scene from Dirty Dancing (at minute 208) ga-gung…ga-gung…ga-gung.. Yeah, my heart is beating just like that. And, I also have spaghetti arms.
Find it: here
Scented Wine & Champagne Glass Scented Candles from Vat 19 for $20 bucks
I’m pretty sure these candles are saying “I’m here to party”. And, that’s awesome because they are candles and candles don’t usually talk or party as far as I know.
Find em: here
Tootaloo! Enjoy the long weekend. Hopefully, it’s Wax-tastic. Ha ha. I kill myself.
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Happy holidays peeps! I’m happy to report that I’m no longer on a boat and I’m back to real life, but more on that, and the extra 400 pounds I gained while stuffing my vacation face, later. Today, as I do on most holidays, I’ve been reflecting back on V-days of yore and have come to realize that I have turned into the girl who I once wanted to punch in the face with a chocolate bar. I am that lovey gush-face that woke up this morning with little hearts floating around my head. There, I said it. I think I might have also done the cha-cha with my cat while smooching her to death. It’s borderline disgusting and I’m pretty lucky she didn’t claw my face off. What I realized during the slow dance though is that I don’t really care about the stuff that goes with the day, per sae – you know, the hallmarky love-stuff.. moreover, I’m just happy to not be the girl that wants to sledgehammer the couple in love. I am the couple in love (well, at least half of it) and it’s awesome and I’m not going to apologize for it! Wow, I guess vacationing makes me a total bitch.
The moral of this story and my jerk-face-ness is this: If you are still single on Valentine’s Day, celebrate anyway. Celebrate Singles Awareness Day (“S.A.D.” if you will) and celebrate it with pride. Because you know what? Someday you will find your other half (believe me, you will) and then, you will have to contend with all the joys that come with being a couple. I’m not talking about the love part (which is a given and should be celebrated EVERY day, P.S.). No, no. I’m talkin’ about the annoying shit. The stuff that makes you want to put a plastic bag over your head, because death by suffocation would be better than breathing the stench coming from his man-ass. Husband farts are FAR worse than boyfriend farts. True story.
If you are single and ready to mingle on this delishious holiday, my advise to you as a former single valentine’s day hater is comprised of 2 tasks:
(Task 1) visit the grocery store and stand dead center in the cupid hemorrhage zone. Then, flip the bird to all the happy people. Although this is completely unproductive, it’s the only thing that will make you feel better in lieu of eating a pound of candy bars, which will only make you feel worse (TRUST ME).
(Task 2): Get yourself some candles. Not the ones that just look pretty. No, you my friend are going to need the ones that smell like heaven.
Why you ask? My prediction (I’m practically Miss Cleo, by the way) is that next year at this time, you’ll be just like me. Happy, and thankful for being in love. Oh, and also the man smells will be in full force by then and you’ll need something to kill the stench. Here’s a great place to start:
I heart the name, Witch City Wicks even more now that I know these candles are made in Salem, Massachusetts. Super witchy!
All of the candles made at Witch City Wicks are hand poured in small batches. They are made from all-nat-cher-al soy wax and cotton wicks (they are phthalate-free too!) Holla!
Can’t wait to try em’ out myself. No seriously, I can’t wait. The man smell gets worse the longer you are married (just kiddin’ babe. Love you SO much!).
Anti-Valentine’s Day: Tainted Love scented soy 6 oz. jar for $9 bucks / Find it: here
“an incredible mixture of orange & grapefruit, cherry blossom, hydrangea, apple and peach mixed in natural soy wax poured into an 6 ounce simple jar with black plastisol lid.”
Black Bat scented soy candle in 6 oz jar for $9 bucks / Find it: here
“Complex and fruity, sweet raspberry sangria in black wax. Natural soy wax poured into an 6 ounce simple jar with black plastisol lid.”