Tag: crave candy

ITS TIME FOR A LIST OF 5 WAYS TO GET FLIRTY!!

[ 0 ] January 27, 2012 |

Hello my friend!  I figured that since last week I totally killed the mood by posting about cats, this week I’d make up for it by talking about knockin’ the boots.  You’re welcome hot stuff.

Candy is sexy, sweet and gives you a sugar high AKA the perfect energy needed for doin’ the deed. Crave Candy Company sells scrumptious looking heaps of sticky candy goodness – The “You Know You Want It Cranberry” clusters look pretty darn perfect for gettin’ ya in the mood, if you get my drift.  I mean, the description alone is like foreplay: “contains dried cranberries, pretzel sticks and spanish peanuts surrounded by creamy, premium white chocolate with the tangy bite of cranberry.”  I think my bra just fell off.

Speaking of foreplay…how about, um….Fourplay in the form of intoxicating alcohol. You know what says “I wanna lose my virginity”? LIQUID COURAGE.  Thanks to Dievole, you can prep for sexy time in style, with “a unique blend of 4 typical grape varieties of Sicily, Nero d’Avola, Nerello mascalese, Nerello cappuccio and Frappato nero in equal parts”.  The translation of that of course, is “if you want to do the horizontal boogy, just drink this”.  In all seriousness,  this is actually one of my very favoritest wines and you can pick it up at most wine-stores.  Now go get yourself drunk and knocked-up!

Nothing says “rip my cloths off” like a hot, steamy bath and a whole lotta debauchery (don’t forget to bring your Fourplay wine to make it “drunkin debauchery”).  Ha-ha-haa, I crack myself up. Anyway,  Debaucherous Bath helps you become excessively indulgent in sensual pleasures (“get your groove on” in laymans terms) by hooking you up with some really unique bath products, that are all paraben, cruelty, sls and phthalate free and vegan (you don’t have to be mean to fluffy creatures and the environment to be a raging sex animal).  You can find out all about these original scents and pick up some of your own here.  This Turkish Mocha Handmade Soap looks edible and if you keep reading, you’ll see what food leads to.

Food is the way to a man’s heart (and man parts), and I can attest that if it comes in cupcake format, its also a direct highway to a woman’s heart (and lady bits).  I’m pretty sure if you first buy, then wear a Flirty Apron…naked, obviously, you will have days and days of unadulterated coitus. If you really wanna spice it up drape some deli meat over your shoulders.  It will be so sexy that your stove, will be like…”excuse me sexy bitch in a slutty apron and precarious meat slices? If you sit on my range, I’ll make you reeeeeeealll hot”.  Annnnnnnd, now I’m both trampy and telling dumb jokes.  Noice.

Start by finding out where to buy this nailpolish by NaughtyNailz, then tell me, since I can’t seem to figure it out and I desperately want to buy it. Then, buy each of their naughty named colors, paint your nails  and tell your man he should ask you what you’re wearing (on your nails, duh).  When he says “what are you wearing?”, you reply with the nail polish color:  “Spank Me, I’m Naughty”.  Your man taps his finger against his brow and ponders before shrugging his shoulders and saying, “ok”. You + sex = havin’ it.  And, all it took was a little passive agressive dirty talk. What are you waiting for?

Hope you have a wonderfully naked weekend!

(disclaimers)

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